there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
