I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
