i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
