I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
