I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
