she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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