id be glad to
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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