dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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