she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
