She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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