if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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