Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
