I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
