do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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