her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
