You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
