Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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