You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
