He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
