who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
