Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
