I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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