Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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