I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
No more Irish car bombs ever.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
