youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
it's like heaven, but drunker
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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