you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
