I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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