Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
