FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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