just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
