I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
