i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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