clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
