Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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