Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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