i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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