my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
