I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
