So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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