I will die if light touches me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
