I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
