It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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