mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
