i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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