Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
