peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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