At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
