i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
