so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
