My first STD was from a foam party
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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